'Law & Order' actor opens up about being kidnapped and raped by John Wayne Gacy

law and order Actor Jack Merrill talks about his harrowing encounter with notorious serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

The 65-year-old wrote about the kidnapping and rape by the clown killer – who raped and murdered at least 33 young men and boys in the Chicago area from 1972 to 1978 – and how that horrific incident continues to shape his life as a PEOPLE article published on Thursday.

In the article, Merrill explained that growing up in a volatile family dynamic led him to move from his home in Evanston, Illinois, to Chicago at age 17. He revealed that one night when he was 19, he was on his way home after swimming at the local YMCA when a man stopped and asked him if he wanted a ride.

“I thought I would walk around the block a few times, but he drove off quickly and turned into a really bad neighborhood,” he remembers. “He said, ‘Lock your door. It's dangerous.'”

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Later, the man stopped and asked Merrill, who is gay, if he had ever used “poppers” – a drug that causes short-term euphoria and dizziness when inhaled. “He pulled out this brown bottle, squirted some liquid onto a rag and rammed it into my face,” he wrote. “I passed out and when I woke up I was in handcuffs.”

When the man took Merrill to his home, he realized how dangerous the situation had become. “I was a weak 19-year-old. I knew I couldn't upset him. I just had to defuse the situation and pretend everything was fine,” he noted. “That's how I survived as a child – we learned to keep a low profile during my parents' tantrums.”

The pair drank beer and smoked marijuana together before the man placed a “homemade device” around Merrill's neck. “It had ropes and pulleys and it went around my back and through my handcuffed hands in such a way that if I resisted I would suffocate. At some point I did that and started deflating,” he explained. “He put a gun in my mouth. Then he raped me in the bedroom. I knew if I fought him I wouldn't have much of a chance. I never freaked out or screamed.”

Merrill also wrote that he felt strangely “sorry” for the man, noting that he didn't seem to “necessarily want to do what he was doing, but he couldn't stop.” He continued: “We were there for hours. I finally noticed that he was tired. Suddenly he said, 'I'm taking you home.'”

The man dropped Merrill off at his original location around 5 a.m. the next morning and even gave him his phone number so they could “get back together at some point.” When he got home, he flushed the number down the toilet but did not call the police because he was unaware of his attacker's murderous past at the time.

Not until he saw one Chicago Sun Times In the headline about Gacy's crimes, Merrill recognized that he was the one who attacked him. Gacy, who buried the bodies of his victims in the crawlspace beneath his home, was convicted in 1980 for the murders of his known victims, some of whom remain unidentified. He was executed by lethal injection at the Stateville Correctional Center in 1994.

Merrill called the newspaper to report his own attack, but hung up before revealing confidential details because his father worked at the publication. “I thought if the police ever needed my help I would come forward. They found all these bodies under that house and years later he was convicted,” he wrote. “But like I said, if they had needed me, I would have reached out.”

After the encounter, Merrill made “a pact with myself that I would get over this” and “not leave my happiness in this house.” He moved to New York City, where he began studying acting at NYU. “Acting was therapeutic for me,” he wrote. “You're forced to express yourself, and with that comes a certain honesty. Recognition and acceptance.”

Merrill – whose television appearances include roles in the television series Sex & the City, Joan of Arcadia and Grey's Anatomy – noted that he never underwent therapy related to the assault, but rather an episode of it The Oprah Winfrey Show In which a woman who had been raped shared how she learned to forgive her attacker in order to move on, it was helpful in his healing process.

Although he has since forgiven both Gacy and his parents, the attack is something he still struggles with to this day. “Don’t get me wrong – I’m still dealing with this. “Our culture is obsessed with John Wayne Gacy,” he wrote, recalling a haunted hayride he once visited, only to discover that there was a section dedicated to Gacy with killer clowns brandishing guns.

Through the experience, Merrill, who now has a loving relationship with his husband, wrote that he came to understand that “no one's trauma is greater than anyone else's.” He continued: “There are a lot of people who have had bad things happen to them. Many people who have been raped don't talk about it. I understand that. So far I've only told close friends. But I'm doing my new show.” Every night I'm proud of the journey that I've been able to learn from the bad and use it for good.

If you or someone you know is a victim of sexual abuse, text “TRUST” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.