The Hater's Guide to the 2024 World Series

This is not clickbait. This is engagement bait. This is subscription bait. This is the “Sign up for auto-renewal, then get hooked on Wordle and NYT Cooking” bait. But there's also a deeper truth that resonates with many baseball fans, and it goes something like this:

New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Dodgers is the most annoying World Series matchup ever. It might be the most annoying matchup of the World Series alwayswhich seems excessive until you look at previous matchups and realize that most of them didn't have the full force of social media or the Pundit Industrial Complex behind them. Yes, I realize articles like this are part of the problem, but inevitability is the only possible outcome.

Please note that this is not the same as worst World Series matchup possible. For heaven's sake, not by a long shot. The worst World Series matchup would be the Chicago White Sox versus the Colorado Rockies, with the latter team being the clear favorite. The current 2024 World Series will feature several future Hall of Famers, most of them in their absolute prime, doing unreal things with and to baseballs. It's a very good World Series if you want to showcase outstanding players and their baseball skills. I'm really excited to see the baseball part of it, and you should be too.

That doesn't mean it won't be that way annoyingalthough. Let's count the ways. Haters, gather together. We have something to hate.

Been there, done that

This World Series is a Simpsons episode from season 43 in which Homer gets a new job. Technically it's a new episode, but it's a well-worn phrase.

Oh, wow, the only cities that matter, in the only country that matters, are facing each other. Look at all the celebrities in the stands, all of them. Have you ever noticed how different these two cities and lifestyles are? New Yorkers are all like, “Hey, I'm going here,” and in Los Angeles they're like, “Is that Bobby DeNiro?” Hold my little dog, I'll say hello,” ha ha, that's funny because it's true. Put a wall behind me, throw me a microphone and shine a spotlight on it. This material is too good to waste.

It may be a new Yankee Stadium, but we won't be able to escape the ghosts of baseball's past in this series. (Luke Hales/Getty Images)

While you can tune out the noise that comes with two cultural centers getting even more attention, there's a part where the baseball stuff has been done before. When my mother was growing up in the 1940s and 1950s, she thought the World Series was just what you called it when the Yankees and Dodgers played each other, like the Iron Bowl was what you called the Alabama/Auburn football games calls. She doesn't remember it being something that made her laugh; She shakes her head ruefully. That's how many times the Yankees and Dodgers played in the World Series.

This meeting took place in 1947, 1949, 1952, 1953, 1955, 1956 and 1963 and spanned seven generations. Then it happened again twice in the 1970s and once in the 1980s. Yankees vs. Dodgers is a throwback to those bleak, binary times when it felt like no one else had a chance. Especially because they didn't.

This is the matchup Fox wanted decades

Every October, my heart warms when I think of Fox executives lying awake at night worrying about the Cleveland Guardians and Milwaukee Brewers World Series. These Chuzzlewits and Pecksniffs don't think about the excitement a pennant would bring to areas that haven't enjoyed enough of it (or any of it at all). They don't think about specific matchups and baseball-related quirks. They think about eyeballs and star power.

And there is something to that. There will be more attention for this particular match because more people will be tuning in, and they're tuning in because they feel like there's a greater chance that they'll be entertained by this World Series. Craig Calcaterra cleverly compared the combination of high ratings and noise complaints to Yogi Berra's famous saying: “Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.”

However, I always knew what Berra meant by that. The people He cared about it, didn't want to deal with it. Mick and Billy Martin didn't need to be seen. They didn't need the attention that comes with being an ultra-hip nightclub. They were purists. And I realize that in this analogy I'm using famous Yankees to represent the cool people, which means it's going to be difficult to solve. But that’s exactly what paragraph breaks are for.

Above all, it's about the idea that television executives will be happy. This is how they earn their money:

They make money by subverting your mind. Your houses are built brick by brick from the ashes of your gray matter. They wanted Yankees vs. Dodgers because it would mean they could tell more people that they have the kind of Wi-Fi that allows them to take ventriloquism classes in their attic, where there was previously a radio blackout. This is the World Series that attracts the casual, the barely interested, and the people who will be surprised that there is now a pitch clock. They'll be eliminated after one inning once they realize baseball isn't for them, but not before they realize they can finally do ballet in their man cave.

Sometimes I fall asleep and out of nowhere I think “His dad is the district attorney.” This is a part of my brain breaking off and floating away like a calving ice shelf, never to be the same again. Someone has to pay. These people would love to pay to get every possible Guardians vs. Brewers World Series.

I don't like the Yankees and Dodgers. They insist on themselves

Both franchises stare at themselves in the mirror when no one is looking. They do it even when everyone is watching. Monuments and plaques, a deserved sense of history that still manages to be exaggerated at the same time. No mascots. Jerseys that have barely changed in a century.

They insist on themselves. They think they are better than you and your team. And of course that's true about going to the World Series, but they don't have to push themselves so hard all the time. It's much funnier when legitimate, historic teams strike again and again so close and lose year after year.

With the exception of the 49ers. That's enough of that. There is probably a statute of limitations. It's just not funny anymore.

Everyone will bring up both teams' payrolls, but they will miss the real point

Yes, the Yankees and Dodgers have more resources than any other team. They spend more money. They are spoiled and so are their fans. They have advantages that other teams don't have, such as greater visibility, cultural prestige, history and purchasing power. People will talk about how much the Dodgers committed to players this offseason (technically over a billion dollars if you don't take inflation and deferred salaries into account), and people will talk about how much Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton and Gerrit Cole will earn. It's inevitable.

But this lets the other owners off the hook. Mookie Betts is with the Dodgers because Fenway Sports Group Holdings LLC was concerned about how his salary would affect their ability to sign players to Liverpool and drivers to RFK Racing. You made a business decision and you absolutely deserve to feel bad about it. The Pittsburgh Pirates let Barry Bonds go because they lacked vision. The Chicago Cubs let Greg Maddux go because they didn't realize how eager the North Side was to make the team a part of the regional identity. The Washington Nationals haven't committed to Bryce Harper or Juan Soto because they thought they would find another teenage outfielder with Hall of Fame talent at the Teenage Outfielder with Hall of Fame Talent Store.

All of these owners are tiny. They're sometimes pragmatic and sometimes silly, but most of the time they're just midgets. They should spend money on good players and keep them away from the Yankees and Dodgers! Especially the players She design and develop.

More people should be saying, “The San Diego Padres had the right idea” instead of “We need to stop the Yankees and Dodgers from doing this,” and the inability to come to that revelation will make the discourse even more tedious.

Plus, the Padres should have kept Juan Soto too. You're not off the hook here. Michael King is cool, but come on. Look at what you've done.

A good World Series? Perhaps. A great World Series is possible. Heck, give us some crazy plays from Game 7 and this could go down as one of the classics. Shohei Ohtani returns to the mound in the 19th inning of Game 7 in front of a stunned Dodger Stadium crowd because there are simply no other pitchers available, and he's willing to make the sacrifice. He just has to get through Juan Soto, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton.

We can dream.

But while it has the potential to be the best World Series, it's guaranteed to be the most annoying World Series there is. The wrong people have wanted it for years. The team that wins throws the trophy into an Arrogance Juicer and gets a fresh glass, even if it hasn't actually run out yet. The losing team will feel even more entitled this time next year. And in every moment, before every inning, in every joke and comment on the pre- and post-game show, it will be told to you how special it all is.

Guardians in six. They have the bullpen, even if the Brewers' lineup is underrated. What a beautiful, simple, boring dream that would have been.

(Top photo illustration by Sean Reilly / The athlete: Orlando Ramirez/Getty Images; Mary DeCicco / MLB Photos via Getty Images; Katelyn Mulcahy/Getty Images; Carmen Mandato/Getty Images; New York Yankees/Getty Images)