Why Forgiveness Isn't Always the Best Path for You | Opinion

When I had an argument with a long-time mentor, I insisted that he owed me an apology. “I’m sorry for the imaginary crime you think I committed,” he replied, making me want to commit a real crime. I found it impossible to forgive someone who showed no remorse. But was that a bad thing? This question is particularly relevant during this weekend's High Holidays, when Jews atone and repent for past sins we have committed against God and our fellow human beings and seek absolution.

As an analytical Jewish journalist desperately searching for answers during this emotional upheaval, I had come across an entire “forgiveness industry”: a British charity, a PBS documentary, a Mayo Clinic website, and TED talks in which the physical, Emotional and spiritual benefits were touted for relief. Books from all religions advocated the radical forgiveness of all people in order to “get rid of the gorilla.” But what if it was all bullshit? Without the remorse I deserved, my gorilla only grew.

I asked various spiritual leaders for their opinions. A Manhattan pastor explained this by saying to God, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” while When he was crucified, Jesus offered immediate, unconditional mercy in advance. However, a theologian from my hometown of Michigan insisted that in Christianity one is sent to a place of eternal torment without repentance.

A Hasidic colleague said: “Jewish law requires a person to sincerely ask for forgiveness three times. If the injured party does not forgive, the sinner is forgiven, but the unforgive must ask for forgiveness because he does not forgive.” Nevertheless, the request had to be inspired by genuine regret. More helpful to me was the Harvard psychologist who, citing Maimonides, described four elements of an effective apology: acknowledging the offense, explaining why it happened, expressing sincere remorse, and offering reparation to repair what was broken. And my cousin, a lawyer, reminded me that admission of guilt and expression of remorse were often the crucial elements of criminal sentences in the eyes of the law.

But does hindsight regret help anyone recover from crimes and atrocities, or prevent them from happening again? A Holocaust survivor I interviewed, who refused to accept the German government's official apology in 1951 – despite compensation being paid – and lived a flourishing life out of defiance, pointed out how anti-Semitism is now surging in Europe and the United States . A Bosnian Muslim victim of ethnic cleansing in the Balkan War could only be healed by speaking out against the crimes he witnessed. Meanwhile, Islamophobia remains widespread in his former region. After a woman raped by her father when she was 13 was pressured by Baptist clergy to accept his apology, her father tried again (unsurprising since crime recidivism rates can be as high as 77 percent) . In her 40s, she felt liberated by not forgiving him after his death while doing everything she could to protect herself and her children from predators in the future.

Interestingly, a new wave of books confirmed my belief that you should protect yourself first, rather than blanket exoneration for everyone. In Forgiveness: An Alternative Account, Boston minister Matthew Ichihashi Potts argues that forgiveness is too often “a salve for the conscience of power rather than an instrument of healing and justice.” Illinois trauma psychoanalyst Amanda Ann Gregory's upcoming book is titled: You Don't Have to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms.

Indian-born LA psychologist Ramani Durvasula, author of the bestselling book It's not youagrees with this premise.

“People who don’t forgive are portrayed as cold, inflexible and hard-hearted. But that pathologizes the person who was harmed compared to the perpetrator who caused the harm,” she said on the phone recently. “The pressure to forgive can cause people to feel guilty or forgive prematurely. But if you forgive someone who repeats the wrongdoing, it significantly harms your well-being. We shouldn't feel obligated to forgive someone who has kidnapped our souls and made it. Finding peace is impossible.

Just as I was considering the compromise of pardoning my mentor for my own peace of mind but never seeing him again, he emailed me saying he was sorry. Expressing his late regret, he explained that his wife and daughter had been terribly ill and he had spent an entire year not thinking clearly. I have forgiven him.

However, I am not a supporter of general amnesty, although I have spent ten years working on a book about forgiveness. But now I'm trying to be more empathetic and not be dismissive of the people I care about in the first place. And when I make a mistake, I have learned how important and empowering it can be to sincerely express my regret and sincerely and fully apologize to anyone I have hurt.

Susan Shapiro, a writing professor in Manhattan, is the author of The Forgiveness Tour now available in paperback.

The views expressed in this article are the author's own.